Second Spade

I had my confession today after years of pushing myself to my limit. For fourteen years of serving our Lord as a sacristan, I left the organization and the church to see if what I need for me to excel is time for myself. That's why I cut my attachments from the Church. I did this course of action because I was pondering what would I be if I leave ell my commitments and cut all my attachments in the Church. I thought of it because I felt that I was going nowhere. I have served God but in return, I don't see myself being successful at all. Yes, I have done great works and great things inside my organization and inside the Christianity. But as I was thinking, all of those achievements are faith-bound. I have an ambition. I do want to be rich. I am hungry for success. I am afraid of being just a server. With no warnings, I just stepped out and quit. Yup, I am rebuilding my life. A no commitment life other than to myself. I indeed finished college. I did have a very promising career. I did have the luxury of being "only me" towards everything. To cut it short, all I think of and all I care for was me. I saw myself going towards success. I started to realize that I have wasted so much time serving the church and serving others. I felt freedom. But about a year ago, four years after I left the Church, I reevaluated myself, am I happy? I graduated college being a top grade feasibility student, I did have an experience being on a national cheering competition, I do have an opportunity to have another set of friends, and I do broke a relationship. It was all for myself. I transferred from one job to another whenever I felt that the first company is going downhill and the next one being really not into me and most of all, being able to get employed right away. The third one is a project based job that I was never paid for my services, I actually volunteered because I really want to have the experience being with that event and at the same time, being with my girlfriend at work. It is just one month of being an unofficial volunteer and another one month as an official volunteer. Then I tried being a technical representative while learning new crafts until I realize that I am not practicing my degree. The degree that I am very proud of and worth proving to be a foundation of success. I tried to be an entrepreneur. I tried being a fish sauce supplier for starter but have to let it go due to personal reasons. It was also then I realize that I am missing something. I am not only missing something but I also realize that leaving my commitments to the church and cutting of my attachment is the worst thing that I have ever done. I have a goal but my life was empty. I do savor the luxury of serving myself but I felt being alone. I have left myself in the Church. I was afraid of being unsuccessful that's why I think leaving is the best thing to do. I just walk in a dark path. I've been excellent more than I was, that was only because He prepared me for those. He never left me even if I keep on running away from Him. People say I am a no-stress person, that I can handle almost impossible task with ease, I did it because he made me do it. He never left me. I was never afraid because I am achieving but I don't think it will be the same if He abandoned me as I did to Him. My fear causes me to run away. The same fear that made me run in the dark direction. But still, He never left me. I felt it when I was struggling, that everything I am today is to Him I owe. He even gave me someone to serve as a guide and savior. She was made a tool for my salvation. It took me years to realize that. I am struggling now because I am starting my new business. Now, I can say that I am still afraid but for me (being again with Him and always with her) I can say that I can face the challenges and failures head on. I am stronger now, because I realize that being fearful makes somebody resourceful. That makes courageous heroes out of desperate situation. I have learned that COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYER. Let's get it on!